Slipstream

I continue to spin. During the day I carry on reasonably, even feeling somewhat optimistic part of the time. But at night I wake in existential terror.

I know have wasted too much of my life floating – listing in the winds and cross currents. I have been clueless about very simple things such as seeing where I want to go in the distance and making my way there bit by bit. I have seen obstacles as endlessly high and perfectly sheer stone walls. Instead of looking for the chink or the crack, I’ve backed off and tread water, hoping for some kind of deus ex machina. And always I have strived give others what they seem to want, defining my relationships in terms of how the other party sees it instead of how it is for me.

All of my deferring, floating, listing and treading water has led me to this point of contradiction. Everything in serious doubt. Nothing as I wanted. The fundamental expression of my life force is blocked. I am choking.

I know the way through this is to take command of my vessel and steer out of these waters. I just need to figure out how. . . since clearly I missed that day in school.